non-transitioning transsexual is a broad term generally encompassing those transsexuals who for one reason or another do not pursue surgical 
intervention.  The term is, however, so broad as to encompass both those that make no overt gender expression as well as those that live full or 
part time as their true gender, with or without the benefit of hormones.
non-expressing transsexual[1] refers to a particular subset of non-transitioning transsexuals who, even if on hormones, in very limited 
ways, if at all, outwardly express any gender inconsistent with their birth sex.

This site addresses the issues relating to those who live in the silent discomfort of that no man's land.

It provides no magic answers.  There being virtually no material on the subject, it is intended only to offer the experience of one who is so afflicted with the hope that others will at least learn that they are not alone.  If you glean something useful from it, I am pleased.  But since this affliction is unique to each person, I make no representation that you will.

The very notion of transsexuality is very hard to fathom. I know that I am one.  Yet after decades, I still can't make sense of it.  So I can  appreciate how difficult it must be for someone not afflicted to comprehend it.

If I can't make sense out of it, I know that I am asking a lot of my wife when asking her to do more than understand it, but to also have deal with it.

Even worse, all that appears in general media about transsexuals is that they are people who ultimately change their physical sex through surgery which means that everything my wife sees is in context of an inevitable change with only the timing being in question. So imagine how hard it is comprehend the idea that some one can be a transsexual and yet non-transitioning.  And if that is hard enough to fathom, add to it the pressure of trying to actively repressing it..

As much material as their is about transitioning transsexuals is how little information their is about non-transitioning transsexuals and there is even less with respect to non-expressing transsexuals..

Regardless of one's view on transsexuality it would be hard to deny that there those who are conflicted as between their birth sex and their perception of their gender and that living with that conflict experience substantial and sometimes emotionally debilitating  pain.  Nor regardless of one's moral view as to transitioning and gender conforming surgery that transitioning is known to resolve that pain.

It seems somewhat axiomatic that there will be some who are cross gendered and who would under normal circumstances seek relief from their pain by transitioning and that by not transitioning will continue to suffer. Religious morals aside as to whether one should choose to suffer rather than transition, without relief the pain continues.  This pain can range from mere annoyance to a debilitating condition affecting both personal and business relationships.  Imagine knowing that their is a cure for the pain, that you want to take the cure, but for a variety of reasons you can not.  You have no option but to live with the incessant pain. Those who frown on changing one's sex on moral grounds may praise the act, but they do not have to live with the pain.

Those pressing for gender equality in legislation recognize that there is a lot of variation in transsexuals short of full transition:

• many transsexuals are non-operative either because they cannot afford or choose not to undergo sex reassignment or are prevented from doing so for health reasons
• some transsexual people may transition with hormone therapy only
• some transgendered people may choose to take hormones but not to transition from their birth sex or may choose to take low doses of hormones to bring about some physical changes
• some transgendered people do not fit easily into one of two gender categories

Yet it sometime seems that from a medical standpoint or most chat groups that they view the world in binary terms and transsexuals as those moving between those extremes. 

I found myself feeling compelled to transition, but looking for any means of holding back that tide.  I found myself needing to find answers about the middle.

I had WILL'd my inner self into the background for over four decades, but all of a sudden WILL was not enough.  I didn't need a doctor to tell me what I was.  I didn't need resources to tell me about transitioning.  I needed information about coping with both not transitioning and not expressing.. 

There was lots of information about the diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria, about the criteria for transitioning, about transitioning, and a wealth of help from those traveling that road.

But try finding information about the world short of transitioning - nothing.  Well that was not totally correct.  There was one article that appeared to be on topic, Gender Dysphoria: A Guide for the Non-Transitioning by C.F. Napier, but I have never found a live link to it so I can not say whether it is even on point.

Trying to find information in the medical journals, almost non-existent.  Fortunately, I found one case example in Dr. Harry Benjamin's work, which gave me some hope.

Trying to find a medical or mental health professional who publicly expressed an understanding that there were transgendered people who while they might benefit from transition, instead had to live with not transitioning, was just about as difficult. I found one and her link (phone number) was live. 

For me, living with this condition and having to contrain my expression is draining.  For my wife it means living in perpetual fear.  But I am still here. And more importantly we are still here.

With the hope that my experience might be of some value to others or at least a catalyst for discussion, I intend to post several papers which I have written over the years as a vehicle for trying to explain the unexplainable to myself, to my wife, to my therapist, and rarely to others.

ANITW

About the Discussion Forum

There are various degrees to the condition colloquially grouped under the term gender dysphoria and there are various sites and forums which cover a broad spectrum of issues related to transsexualality. This site will just not be one of them.

The site and forum focuses on the concerns of those who view themselves as transsexuals, but for a variety of reasons are not or can not pursue transition or who's ability to express their true gender is constrained.  

We will attempt to limit this site to discussion related to surviving ‘not transitioning’ when under other circumstances that would have been the more likely path.

Understandably there will also be some overlap between issues since how each of us relates to this condition is unique and even then reactions are rarely static. It is hoped that it will also include materials and research of perennial interest to both the afflicted as well as their significant others relating to the cause of the condition and how changes affect our ability to cope with the situation. In other words, if I have been able to handle (or hide) this for years, what changed.

This middle ground may be nothing more than a Way Station between comfort in your own being and transition.  The hope is that collectively we might find answers and support that will make the stay more palatable and maybe even extend the visit.

If crossdressing, in a context other than transexuality, is your focus there are many sites more appropriate to your interest than this one.

If you are still in limbo or somewhere between Cross Dressing and Transsexuality MyHusbandBetty offers a forum that you might find of interest as its members seem to run the gamut.

If you are to the point where transitioning is your primary focus, I am in awe of your courage, but would suggest that you might find more relevant material and help at: GenderLife which has a very active forum or BeginningLife which can also be a good resource.

To the extent that you are transitioning or have transitioned or are the significant other of someone in that position and can contribute through your own experience, you are most welcome.  Many late transitioners have spent decades at the Way Station and even though they have ultimately transitioned, their experience and insight can be of great value.  I would only ask that you identify your status so that others can appreciate the perspective.

The forum is divided into essentially 5 main areas:

• Public Discussion Areas
• Way Station Public Library – containing research materials, personal accounts and other resources
• Private Discussion areas for those coping with not-transitioning (NT)

Since, this condition affects not just one, but both parties in a relationship, and any survival will involve both, two additional areas have been provided:

• The first is for Significant Others (SO). It is of course Private..  All Registered Users can view this forum, but we ask others to refrain from posting to it.
• The other is for Conversations between Significant Others and the one Not-Transitioning.  It is hoped that to the extent that we (SO and NT) are not comfortable discussing certain issues with our own spouses or partners,  perhaps there is something to be gained from conversations with other similarly situated substitutes.

Caveat:  Please be considerate.  This area, more than any other, is not a forum for ‘seen the light’ preaching, criticizing, justifying, or defending conduct or choices.  This is a mutual help area for discussing surviving short of transitioning on both sides.  Try putting yourself in the other person's position and think twice before clicking the Post button.

Forum Confidentiality

The very nature of the condition, at least in my case, means that maintaining confidentiality is essential to my well being and my wife’s comfort. And your need for confidentiality is no less important than mine.

The forum assumes that you have similar concerns about confidentiality and therefore applies the following rules and makes the following suggestions.

By default,

• Users are deemed hidden - you will not be identified as being currently online.
• User’s email addresses are NOT displayed. – we display only a name you choose.
• User access to members list is restricted to registered users and even then the display is limited to benign information.
• User’s email receipt are disabled – other users can not send email to your registered address.

You may, of course, change these settings in your profile, but that is your choice. The forum will err on the side of caution.

Registration information is not sold or otherwise distributed. Period!

While we take all the protection we can, we nevertheless make certain recommendations with respect to what you can do yourself: chose a user name that does not contain identifying information, choose an email address which does not include a recognizable name, and do not include identifying information or photographs.

If your sole remaining concern about registering is still one of confidentiality, which I fully understand, may I suggest that you use an anonymous email service such as Advicebox or one of a large number of other email forwarding services listed on the Web to provide a second layer of anonymity.

If your concerns are not merely about confidentiality, remember, most of us have been feeling our way, in isolation.  This is evidenced by the absolute lack of material on the subject. But maybe you have figured out something, that as strange as you may believe it to be, can help someone else.  And maybe, just maybe, you will find similar insight from someone else’s experience.   

If you are not there yet, I can well understand.  It took me years before I registered on any forum and still more years before posting anything.  I hope that in the interim you will still gain some insight and benefit form the experience of others and that you will at some point feel comfortable enough to register so that you have full access to the forums and will at some point even choose to participate.

If you have questions about becoming a member of the forum that are not answered in the public areas of the site or forum, please contact us and we will attempt to answer them.

Submissions

If you have relevant links, materials, or suggestions that you think would benefit others, please feel free to send them to me via email them to us at forumwebmaster@anitw.org

My Policy - ANITW!

Unless you specifically request

No attribution, identification, contact  or email information will be published.

In order to protect your identity I will delete your submission emails and email address after saving the attached document.

I reserve the right to reject any submission and/or to edit the submission.

No representation is made as to any material posted on this site.  It is provided on an as is basis.